Numb with rage
I'm still in shock from the news yesterday. Last night I couldn't do anything, I felt completely dissociated, I couldn't reconcile my physical environment with the horror, sadness, and anger I was feeling. And then I just felt totally numb. Is "numb with rage" an expression? If so, I understand it now.
I did feel an urgent need to do something, design something, but there was nothing to do, aside from letting other people know. Back when I ran the studio, we used to anticipate for local "rapid response" graphic needs. Something would happen, a protest would be called, and I would throw myself into it late into the night and then coordinate and print them out the next day. But I think my nervous system is fried these days, I can't handle what I used to be able to, and last night, there was just really nothing to do.
I feel a bit better today and am trying to remind myself of the guiding principle of "Make haste slowly..." It's hard, but I have to believe that the long slow work I'm doing matters too, even in a state of crisis. Of course, I'll try and address the shit at hand to the best of my abilities, but I don't want that urgency to stand apart or devalue the longer work, it's part of it.
One bright spot last night was running into an unhoused Inuit on the street. I didn't have any change to give him, but he had such a great smile that it really hit me and I rushed home to get some. When I got back out to where he was, he wasn't there anymore. I looked around for a few minutes and eventually found him further down the street. I gave him the change and sat down with him to have a smoke. It was hard to make out exactly what he was saying, but we had some good laughs together. He's from Kuujjuaq and thinks sled dogs are too slow... As I was leaving and wishing him well, he repeated "I'm happy to be alive" as he tapped on his heart with his fist.